Win The Heart, Not The Point

Imagine you're having a “lighthearted” dialogue with a good friend.

Or at least, let me invite you into one I had this past week.

The topic of debate: Are ebooks better than “real” books? 

(Image Sourcing: https://medium.com/@brettmc1963/advantages-of-ebooks-over-printed-books-digital-v-paper-5340323033bd )

Well…

They are beloved by many and disdained by others.

I mean, they contain the same content and provide the same information when consumed as any other paper-bound copy. The same merit is given when someone says they read a book, regardless of whether it was electronically or with a copy in hand. 

You can also highlight and take notes just like in a “real” copy. 

But beyond that, there are many benefits physical books don't provide that ebooks can... 

The fact that ebooks are easily accessible from any device makes them convenient beyond compare. Losing them is made more difficult because they are saved to the cloud. You never worry about bending the spine or spilling your coffee on them. Any unknown word is a Google search away, and they never take up shelf space, decluttering your home in an already cluttered society.

By all these metrics, it would seem an ebook is far better than a “real” book if at least not the same. But alas, this is not everyone's opinion, and as fate would have it, I found myself in a back-and-forth discussion questioning the intricacies of what makes a “real” book better than an electronic one in the basement of a thirteen-story library (ironic, no?).

My fellow book lover looked at me with confusion as she insisted there was nothing like cuddling up with a blanket over a book you were dying to read. She persisted that a “real” book required a sense of intentionality when reading that an electronic copy could never provide. She walked me through taking care of the bound pages and the pride that came with their display on an organized shelf.

As she sang her reasons, I began to agree with her. Maybe she was right. I had always been a paper lover; this e-reading wave was just a fad of the moment. It was a brief wind here today, to be gone after my next caramel iced latte. 

In this split second of my mental turning, another realization hit me, and the topic for this week's article became clear. 

Win The Heart, Not The Point.

Does it really matter whether an ebook is better than a “real” book? No, not at all. In the grand scheme of things, is it not much more important to even be reading in the first place? Yes, most definitely. And yet, something about my human nature was struggling to give up this petty fight. 

It wasn't about proving what I thought; there was something more profound… something that almost seemed like it would win out. Yes, that's what this friendly forum had slipped into; it had become about “winning.” 

Winning the argument, winning the debate, winning the “point.”

At what cost?

My mother's words blossomed into my memory: “Dani, Win The Heart, Not The Point.”

I quickly shifted gears and proposed we reach a  new definition of the word “better.” What did it mean for one to be “better” than the other? 

Immediately, our conversation changed from one vs. one to two working together to explain a phenomenon. Within the minute, we were nodding in consensus as we babbled on how ebooks and real books have their time and place, their rhyme and reason, and their meaning and fulfillment to the individual reader. She’s a physical copy kind of gal, but I've noticed that electronic reading might occasionally be my preference. 

In almost scripted perfection, we closed on Polonius’s famous words in Shakespeare's enduring piece, Macbeth: “To each his own.” 

…

See, relationships—the best of them, at least—are not built on what we “know,” what we can “prove,” or how “right” we are. No, they are built on heart-to-heart conversations—difficult moments that are made easier when minds give way to vulnerability and a sense of trust is developed between two souls. 

Have you ever found yourself repulsed by another when they were trying to help you but weren't actually " listening”  to you? It didn't matter how “right” they were. No, in that moment and for the many ones after it, all you could feel was betrayal. They’d won the point and lost your heart.

Furthermore, have you ever gleamed with pride after a “won” negotiation only to realize your words hurt others? It likely alienated you from each other and caused the subsequent “friendly talk” to start with strife. Ultimately, the point not being worth it and making neither of you better persons for it. 

We all know those people who love to “win,” and don't get me wrong—winning is great. It’s something that should be encouraged and praised when accomplished. But in your success endeavors, ask yourself what it is exactly you are trying to win. The point? Or other people's hearts?

If it’s the point, after some years, you will find yourself with trophies and accomplishments and no one to share them with. If it's hearts, you may find yourself with countless people coming back to you repeatedly asking for your advice because you have become a patient and willing ear that listens. You are someone they trust. In those moments, you will realize that you didn't win the point the first time, but in keeping the relationship, you won something better—their heart.

The funny thing is that if you do this enough times, you will also find that others begin to nod along to your words. After that sense of trust has been developed, your guiding thoughts may leave a wise impression on those others instead of a bitter taste. 

They will find themselves thinking over your kind spirit. Those words you share, and they might just credit you one day for a decision you felt they ignored you on. By winning the heart, you almost always, in the long run, also leave an impression of whatever your point was but keep the most important thing.

This week, I challenge us all to win fewer points and more hearts. To listen, speak, discuss, learn, and even disagree, all with the knowledge that, in the end, it’s the people that matter, not being “right.”

Win The Heart, Not The Point.

-Making The Most Of Being Curious

Daniel Cuesta